A Time For Trust

I am 11 weeks away from my due date. 

I go back and forth from feeling like I just found out I was pregnant, to feeling like I’ve been pregnant forever and cannot believe I still have two and a half more months before I get to meet this little guy growing inside of me.  I already love him so much.  My favorite thing has been lying down on the couch watching him move my stomach around.  So crazy!  Who knows what the heck he is doing in there; it sure feels like cartwheels.  
I want so badly to actually see the little feet and little hands that have been constantly drumming on my insides.  I want to cuddle and kiss this sweet little boy who will look like me and Greg.  And all at the same time - I feel on the brink of an anxiety attack because I’m scared out of my mind!  Registering for our baby shower, I felt totally clueless as to what a newborn will need.  Sure, I’ve babysat a million times, but all for children over the age of 6 months… I realize I have no idea how to care for an infant.  
But, in the midst of my hormonal emotions of excitement and fear lies this amazing gift I have been given: the opportunity to put my complete trust in the Lord, the One who created my own life, and this life inside of me.  I could read a hundred different books on what to expect, I could consult a hundred different mothers for advice, but in the end, each child and each parent and each situation is uniquely different for every family.  
One of my very favorite Bible verses since I was younger echoes in my mind and my heart when I think about the effort, the exhaustion, the anxiety and more that will fill my days to come after my sweet little boy enters this world… "But those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31  
Trusting produces strength.  Because the Lord holds my heart and I trust in Him alone for guidance and provision, I will not grow weary.  What amazing hope. 
And now for a few funny highlights of my pregnancy thus far: 
First telling people at work that I was pregnant and having a sweet little lady rub my stomach over and over while talking with her.  It is interesting that I wasn't even showing at all, and the day before she didn't know I was pregnant, that kind of behavior would have been incredibly awkward - on her part.  Regardless, it was all a little awkward for me.  
When I transferred locations at work and was starting to finally show, having a random woman (I still am not sure what her name is), come up from behind me sitting at my desk and rub my belly to ask what I was having.  It is still a bit strange to me that a complete stranger would want to touch someone's belly she's never met ever before.  All this belly touching is definitely a new, sometimes awkward, experience!
Around the same time I started to show, greeting my sister at my parents house and having her pull up my shirt unexpectedly so she could see my ever-growing belly.  Ahh just the beginning of my farewell to modesty...
My trip to Target just today where I had an elderly woman ringing me up, asking me if it was okay to put two pops to a bag since it might be a little bit heavy.  And then proceeding to tell me she knew it was a boy because I was carrying him so low.  And then her story of how she bowled a 200 while pregnant, against the wishes of her doctor... all the while the people behind me are starting to look a little agitated that I have held up the line with such riveting conversation. :)
I'm certain there will be more to come!


And just because... 
would you look at that beautiful spine?
I can't wait to meet you.

2011

***
My husband and I were just talking about 2011 and what a great year it has been.  We've had a lot of firsts.  Greg got a new job.  We bought our first home.  We got a new puppy.  And we found out we are going to have a baby.  Each one of these firsts is so great, but did not come to be without some hardships.  Greg applied for a TON of jobs, and we waited for a really long time before he finally got this position.  We thought we may have to move out of state.  We looked and looked at hundreds of homes before finding ours.  We thought we had found a house that was just for us, but they did not accept our offer.  It was disappointing and frustrating.  But literally a week later, we found our home that we love so much.  


Our puppy we bought on a whim, not knowing anything about his breed.  He's so cute, but he's so, so bad.  He chews on EVERYTHING.  He bites everyone.  He digs up everything in our yard.  He escapes out the front door.  He harasses our poor cat.  He peed on my parent's bed.  He poops in his crate.  He eats his poop.  He's not affectionate.  He does NOT listen.  We've taught him sit, down, come, and stay.  He really only sits consistently.  Every other command he could care less about.  Especially when we want him to come.  He runs away instead.  After watching Dogs 101 on Animal Planet about Shiba Inu's we found out they are not a good choice for first time dog owners, and they are extremely hard to train.  Nice.  


And now our sweet baby… we tried for a long time.  More than a year.  It was exhausting, disappointing, emotional, and so much more.  Seeing negative on a pregnancy test over and over and over again hurts your heart.  And I didn't really share with many people that we were trying, because the added expectation of others would just have made it that much worse.  So I endured by myself.  I had Greg right by my side, and most importantly, the Lord.  


And I learned so much.  I learned how to have patience for God's perfect timing.  I learned to trust that the Lord had a plan for us for children, to trust that it would be beautiful no matter the outcome.  I learned you can experience peace in a time of feeling totally blind in the dark and in the midst of confusion.  And you know what, had I not had to go through over a year in this season of waiting, I wouldn't have been able to experience perfect peace, total reliance on God, and the beauty that is in the sunrise after a dark, dark night.  My joy is so RICH after this season.  The Lord always, always has something for us in hard times, in times of doubt, in times of confusion, in times of loneliness, in times of despair.  My pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle.  He is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts. 


I got the new Rachael Lampa cd for Christmas, and I swear each song is a sound track to my life.  One song in particular just makes me smile because it so wonderfully illustrates that beauty is only just a word without the pain, and it reminds me of times throughout this past year.  You cannot truly appreciate beauty without the hardship.  The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust.  So, that is how I measure my year.  2011, thank you for giving me lessons in trusting the Lord and for the beauty that is so rich in a life knowing Jesus.   

Beauty's Just a Word - Rachael Lampa

Tick tock and the clock won't stop
You need more time but the curtain drops
Hanging by a thread, end of your rope you find hope
You fall just short of the finish line
Just like you've done time after time
And all that's left to lift you is your faith
You find grace
Raise your eyes so you can see
You're right where you're supposed to be 


It's dark so you can see the light
And it's hard so you can know its right
And rain, nothing ever grows without you 


Didn't think that the sun would rise
I kept confusing all the truth with lies
Something told me I could not let go, now I know
And holding on is gonna see you through
So don't let go no matter what you do
And love through the anger, love through the pain
Love through the storm, and love through the rain 


It's dark so you can see the light
And it's hard so you can know its right
And pain, nothing ever grows without you
And hurt is just a chance to heal
And tears are just a call to feel
And pain, beauty's just a word without you
Beauty's just a word without you. 


And the sun is breaking through the clouds
Can you feel it shining on you now
You were lost and now you are found
And don't forget no don't forget

Warm With Hope

Tuesday was such a dreary, cold day.  After I left work, I drove to Westport to grab some dinner before I went to my sister’s salon.  I sat at the corner table by the window at Panera and just people-watched as one by one, couple by couple, family by family trickled in to order dinner also.  I was quite content to gaze out of the slightly fogged window to the wet road and see the rain sparkling in the street lights.  I kept thinking about how glad I was to be inside, wrapped up warm in my cardigan and scarf, eating my hot soup.  And that warm, cozy, satisfied right down to your toes feeling reminded me of the joy that I feel in the Lord.  That even when life is cold and dreary, knowing Jesus makes even the darkest of days warm with hope.   

Sometimes I sit at work and wonder what I should write about on this blog.  Since I work in front of a computer all day long and usually have some down time, I like to start writing my entries, and a lot of times they just seem to flow out of whatever I’m experiencing at that time, and what the Lord has put on my heart.  I can usually write one blog post in 45 minutes, give or take.  This time, I just can’t seem to think of anything profound to write about.  But even when I’m at a loss for words, I can still feel Him close, and it’s His words and His hope that are enough.  And, that is all I need…

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  Isaiah 43:1b

The Small Stuff

In a recent conversation with a sweet, sweet friend, she’s reminded me that God is at work - even in the small stuff. It amazes me that He would remind me who He is while arranging the small details of my life.  Since Greg has gotten a job, we’ve spent many, many hours looking for a house to buy.  I had no idea how picky I would be when it came to buying a house, but dang.  There were probably only about a total of 3 out of hundreds, literally HUNDREDS, of homes we found online that I would actually agree to go and walk through with our realtor.  It was a frustrating process, especially since the pictures online did not always prove to be the best representation of the house, AND Greg and I don’t share the same taste I’ve discovered. J 

There was finally a house that we both absolutely loved, and so we took my parents to walk through it a second time with us before we made an offer.  Come to find out, there was another couple interested in the house, and so both of our offers were presented to the seller at the same time.  Now, I was so certain that this was the home for us.  Both times we looked at it, I felt so comfortable there - like I was already at home.  It met, and exceeded, all of the different criteria we were looking for in our first home, and it was the only house we had found that the BOTH of us loved.  I just knew we were supposed to live there.  

This process has been so exciting; we didn’t expect to be buying a house so soon, but since we were fortunate enough to begin the process, we jumped right in.  It was so fun to picture our lives in each home we looked at; dream about a family and where we will be years down the road.  And this house was the perfect location, with an elementary school right down the street, young neighborhood, and still close to the areas we love best in town. 

Well, all of this to say, our offer didn’t win and the other couple got the house.  I was so incredibly disappointed.  I wanted to give up the search (because trust me it was stressful looking online at house after house after house after house after house after house…you get the point).  I resolved that it just wasn’t time for us to buy a house, that it was some big sign, because I was so disappointed.   The next week, we find a house online that Greg absolutely loved, and from the pictures, I just didn't like it.  I wish I could be as pumped as he is about it, but just can't be.  I moan and complain but he schedules an appointment to see it anyways, and I just kind of grudgingly go along with it.  He tells me to have an open mind about it, I say I do...but really, I don’t. 

Then when we finally did go to see it… I was blown away.  This house was just awesome, and so perfect for us.  It is even in the same neighborhood as the house we had originally wanted, but in a much better location - things are updated, the façade of the house is way better, there is an amazing deck and backyard…you get the point.  Thinking about living in that first house was even funny at that point, because we love this house so much more.  And I literally felt my heart being tugged by the Lord.  Because isn’t that such a picture of how He works?  You have it planned out, the way you think it should go, the way that seems and feels so perfect for you.  When all of the sudden those plans are shattered, or things don’t go as expected, the disappointment can be so disheartening. 

But my God, He loves to blow me away.  He loves to prove that His way is best and beautiful regardless of ME.  And I’m so grateful that He does that.  That He not only moves in big ways, but that He cares even about the small stuff.  Even when I think I am the happiest, He always shows me a greater, deeper, lasting joy that fills my heart until I feel I’m overflowing.  I love knowing that even when I’m disappointed and discouraged that He is still at work, making beautiful things happen.  He loves to show us how good He is.  He loves to make us smile.  Speaking of, check out the link to this song that has been making me smile a lot lately.  And props to Brian Walton for rocking it! 
http://www.youtube.com/user/UCCManhattan#p/u/3/A7KSHfPh0WU

Motivation and Foundation

Each morning I wake up, and I have a choice.  Do I listen to the quiet, strong and commanding voice of the Lord?  Or do I listen to the all too enticing, but deceitful voice of this world?  My pastor’s messages from Luke these past few Sundays have definitely convicted my heart. 

Luke 6:46-49: “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?  As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like.  They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.  But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation.  The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

Whatever motivates me to make a choice is evidence to that which my heart serves.  So what do I want to have lordship over my life?  There are a lot of different things that motivate people.  Fitting in, feeling esteemed, feeling accepted, pride, jealousy, money, lust, control, independence, intellect, and so on.  If I am honest, I can admit that a lot of the things that motivate my choices are probably pride, control, or the desire to feel accepted or feel loved.  But, why would I want to be a slave to my pride?  Why would I want to be obsessed with having control?  Why would I want to win someone’s acceptance or love? 

I wouldn’t want to serve anyone but Jesus, because it would be all in vain.  Pride tricks me into thinking that I am better, that I am somehow my own god.  In reality, I don’t have control because there is only One who has numbered my days and only One who writes His own story.  Feeling accepted or loved is a fleeting emotional roller coaster of highs and lows.  Daily I seem to be reminded of hurts in this life;  relationships that are disappointing, friendships that continue to fail me, desires that go unfulfilled.  The minute I start to think for a second that I can find ultimate satisfaction or genuine love from the world is the moment my heart starts serving sin.      

If I keep basing my decisions on pride, control, acceptance, what will happen?  The storm will come and I will collapse and be destroyed.  I don’t want to be this person that Jesus describes who claims with my mouth that He is my Lord but then continues to make my choices based on the sin and evil stored up in my heart. 

BUT if I lay my motivations at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to be the center of my daily choices and decisions, that is just the beginning of a strong foundation, one that will not be moved by the storms sure to come in this life.  With such a foundation, my circumstances could not possibly ever change who I am in the Lord.  I need to seriously evaluate where my heart is and if it reflects the Lordship of Christ. 

What an amazing God that we have - He gives us a new start each morning.  This walk with Him is a daily surrender, but I want my house to be a strong, unshakable one.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite and crumble when the storms rage.  If my God is for me, what could stand against?  I will put His teachings and commands to practice; I will call Jesus my Lord, and He WILL be the only One who sustains me. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.”

New Places

I have been counting my blessings like crazy lately.  There is a song by Nichole Nordeman whose lyrics illustrate the picture of my heart in this moment.  “You are sunrise, you are blue skies, how would I know the morning if I knew not midnight?”  My midnight has been the emotional and spiritual state of my soul in the past few years.  It’s been a tough, long season for me.  I’ve gone through some pretty big changes, graduating college, new job, getting married, finding the Lord in a totally new way.  The thing is, I wouldn’t change it.  I wouldn’t go back and wish for indifference.  I wouldn’t want to be impassive or unblinking.  Every hard, lonely moment that I have endured brought me to the place where I needed to be to find the Lord, my Sunrise.  

Now here I am, at this beautiful place.  Beautiful, but also kind of scary for me.  Jesus has redeemed my life, so what now?  I’ve had this extraordinary experience of walking intimately with my Creator, where He has been patient with me, where He has encouraged me, where He has loved the hardest parts of my soul… I’ve discovered who He really is.  Even though I had to hit rock bottom emotionally, it was also so, SO good, because I finally found life.  I learned how to breathe again.  I’ve gotten to experience genuine joy and peace.  I don’t ever want to forget how it felt, and still feels, to just simply savor this sweet, sweet gift of faithful grace day in and day out.  But I know I can’t stay here forever.  

The Lord has been quietly urging my heart to new places.  And because I’m me, I’ve probably resisted for a little bit too long now.   The funny thing about loving the Lord is that He always knows the right people to bring into my life, He always knows the right messages to convict my heart, and He always knows how to wear down my soul just right so that I am raw before Him.  Where my only option is follow where He is leading me, because His way is so much better. 

I think He has been giving me glimpses of this journey with Him, that it will be ever changing, always transforming, but somehow He remains the same.  

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 

“For I am the Lord, I do not change; therefore you are not consumed.” Malachi 3:6 

East to West

The Lord uses music to speak to me in such a special way.  I find myself meditating on certain lyrics that make such a profound statement to my heart.  Whatever I’m going through, things I’m feeling or situations that I am in, God sends me a song to remind me that he sees me and loves me, that he will never let me go.  I can’t get this song by Casting Crowns out of my head or off of repeat from my mp3 player. 

Here I am Lord, and I’m drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness

The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest...

These first two lines describe my situation almost daily.  I am human, and I forget.  I forget the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness.  I start to doubt that he will actually be enough for me.  That he can fulfill me completely.

I don’t want to end up where You found me, and it echoes in my mind

Keeps me awake tonight...          

So many times I find myself thinking of my past and feel the weight and burden of what used to be.  I forget that I’m already free.  I feel anxious and discouraged.  It makes me wonder if I really am close to being right back in that black pit where he found me. 

I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west

And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned...

 How amazing that we can stand before the Lord and because of Jesus, we are clean. 

He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.  Micah 7:19 

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin

Time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in

Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...

I can feel the war.  The spiritual war over my soul.  Even though Jesus is my Redeemer, Satan loves to whisper lies to me still.  It’s a daily battle to surrender my heart over to the Lord.  I battle constant reminders of my life without Jesus, and often times feel as though I mess up one more time and that’s it.  I’ve done too much to forgive already, one more thing would surely disqualify me from his unconditional love, that I have to be perfect now that I know the Lord. 

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west?

Because I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been rising up in me again...

This is the cry of my heart when all I can hear are the lies of this world.  When they sound so enticing.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel the guilt is too much to bare and that there isn’t possibly a God who could make good of my life.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel numb to sin, when I feel complacent and bored.  I don’t want to look in the mirror, or into my heart, and see that same girl drowning in sin with no hope. 

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm

119:50

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Because you know just how far the east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other.

I’ve never found rest in this life apart from Jesus.  He is the answer to all the longings of my soul.  He is the only one who can forgive and forget my transgressions.    

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

I know you’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light

I need your peace to get me through, to get me through this night...

Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to get through a day, or get through a night.  But now my heart turns to the Lord for comfort in those times.  I get to experience a love and a faithfulness that is like nothing else in this life. 

I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals

I’m not holding onto you, but you’re holding onto me.

The Lord has never lost his grasp on me.  No matter how many emotional breakdowns, no matter how many lies I’ve been told, no matter how much I’ve rebelled, no matter how many opportunities I’ve missed, no matter the mess I’ve made trying to do things my own way…he’s never turned his back on me.  When I can’t seem to hold on to him, it doesn’t matter because he’s holding me tenderly, whispering truth to my broken heart.  His patient, constant love triumphs over my fickle emotions every time. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26