I will be the first to admit that I hold grudges. Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I am just shocked at the fact that somebody I can be so close to could hurt me so deeply. I have harbored a lot of bitterness and resentment in my heart for years. Up until recently, I had always convinced myself that it was okay to feel these things. I rationalized that because something unfair happened to me I was somehow justified in my attitude. But the longer I held onto this resentment, the more it seemed to weigh me down and consume me. Bitterness and spitefulness are not things that I have enjoyed carrying all these years, but they had always seemed like the appropriate response. Well, when you are searching for joy and freedom, it’s hard if not impossible to experience this to the fullest holding on to these dark grudges. So, I prayed that the Lord would give me peace and rest in these areas of my heart. Nothing really happened for awhile, I still felt anxious and unsettled. So then, I started praying that God would show me if I was maybe wrong all this time. If there was something that I needed to do to change. Oh boy...
I was not ready for the Lord to expose my ugly heart, but that is what needed to be done, and He knew even before I did. But, how wonderful that my God is always showing me His faithfulness and grace. He revealed that I am prideful, selfish, and unforgiving. Nobody wants to think of themselves like that. It hurt. I have shed many tears over the state of my dreadful soul.
I realized that I think I am better than people. I think to myself, how DARE somebody hurt me like that. I would never do something like that. Well guess what, the Lord reminded me of so many, SO MANY times when I have hurt others in profound, shameful ways. He showed me that I am no better than anyone. That we are all completely and utterly lost without the love of a Savior. We hurt people daily and make horrible decisions apart from seeking the Lord.
He showed me that all I ever think of is myself. That my heart is sick. It has been made blatantly clear that the first step towards healing this heart is forgiveness. I have just flat out said, God I don’t want to. I have been hurt in ways that no one will ever know but You, and You really want me to forgive that? It’s just not fair. But He has ever so patiently and gently worn down my soul to show me this: He has forgiven me, so that I can be reconciled to Him for eternity. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. And He forgave me and loved me even while I was still drowning in my self-serving sin. And that is exactly the kind of love I am commanded to show those who have hurt me. Maybe they don’t deserve it, and maybe they’ll never know I have forgiven them or even that they ever wounded me at all to begin with. But, that is not the point. The point is that forgiveness is the only way to break this heart of stone and be free from the anger forever. How easy it is to forgive and love those who love us. How remarkable it is to forgive those that have cut down our souls so severely, our enemies. Only a sweet miracle like this, something so remarkable, could come from Jesus.
“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you?...But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. But merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:27-36
“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22
We are a mess here on earth. We are all sinful, lost, broken people. There is only One who can forgive the selfish sin, only One who can find those gone astray in darkness, there is only one Healer. If He wants me to forgive, then I will. I will be the first to admit that I am not there yet. The road to forgiveness and healing can be a long, difficult one, but my heart is willing and it is breaking. And I know that comes first.
My God knows me better than I know myself, and if this is the way He will bring my heart the healing that it so desperately needs, then I trust Him. He is my unfailing Love. How beautiful that He would work a miracle in my life. That despite my human nature, despite what seems a natural reaction to injustice, I can begin to forgive. Even when I just plain don’t really want to. Something so marvelous can only come from the authority and power of Jesus Christ.
