New Places

I have been counting my blessings like crazy lately.  There is a song by Nichole Nordeman whose lyrics illustrate the picture of my heart in this moment.  “You are sunrise, you are blue skies, how would I know the morning if I knew not midnight?”  My midnight has been the emotional and spiritual state of my soul in the past few years.  It’s been a tough, long season for me.  I’ve gone through some pretty big changes, graduating college, new job, getting married, finding the Lord in a totally new way.  The thing is, I wouldn’t change it.  I wouldn’t go back and wish for indifference.  I wouldn’t want to be impassive or unblinking.  Every hard, lonely moment that I have endured brought me to the place where I needed to be to find the Lord, my Sunrise.  

Now here I am, at this beautiful place.  Beautiful, but also kind of scary for me.  Jesus has redeemed my life, so what now?  I’ve had this extraordinary experience of walking intimately with my Creator, where He has been patient with me, where He has encouraged me, where He has loved the hardest parts of my soul… I’ve discovered who He really is.  Even though I had to hit rock bottom emotionally, it was also so, SO good, because I finally found life.  I learned how to breathe again.  I’ve gotten to experience genuine joy and peace.  I don’t ever want to forget how it felt, and still feels, to just simply savor this sweet, sweet gift of faithful grace day in and day out.  But I know I can’t stay here forever.  

The Lord has been quietly urging my heart to new places.  And because I’m me, I’ve probably resisted for a little bit too long now.   The funny thing about loving the Lord is that He always knows the right people to bring into my life, He always knows the right messages to convict my heart, and He always knows how to wear down my soul just right so that I am raw before Him.  Where my only option is follow where He is leading me, because His way is so much better. 

I think He has been giving me glimpses of this journey with Him, that it will be ever changing, always transforming, but somehow He remains the same.  

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 

“For I am the Lord, I do not change; therefore you are not consumed.” Malachi 3:6 

East to West

The Lord uses music to speak to me in such a special way.  I find myself meditating on certain lyrics that make such a profound statement to my heart.  Whatever I’m going through, things I’m feeling or situations that I am in, God sends me a song to remind me that he sees me and loves me, that he will never let me go.  I can’t get this song by Casting Crowns out of my head or off of repeat from my mp3 player. 

Here I am Lord, and I’m drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness

The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest...

These first two lines describe my situation almost daily.  I am human, and I forget.  I forget the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness.  I start to doubt that he will actually be enough for me.  That he can fulfill me completely.

I don’t want to end up where You found me, and it echoes in my mind

Keeps me awake tonight...          

So many times I find myself thinking of my past and feel the weight and burden of what used to be.  I forget that I’m already free.  I feel anxious and discouraged.  It makes me wonder if I really am close to being right back in that black pit where he found me. 

I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west

And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned...

 How amazing that we can stand before the Lord and because of Jesus, we are clean. 

He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.  Micah 7:19 

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin

Time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in

Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...

I can feel the war.  The spiritual war over my soul.  Even though Jesus is my Redeemer, Satan loves to whisper lies to me still.  It’s a daily battle to surrender my heart over to the Lord.  I battle constant reminders of my life without Jesus, and often times feel as though I mess up one more time and that’s it.  I’ve done too much to forgive already, one more thing would surely disqualify me from his unconditional love, that I have to be perfect now that I know the Lord. 

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west?

Because I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been rising up in me again...

This is the cry of my heart when all I can hear are the lies of this world.  When they sound so enticing.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel the guilt is too much to bare and that there isn’t possibly a God who could make good of my life.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel numb to sin, when I feel complacent and bored.  I don’t want to look in the mirror, or into my heart, and see that same girl drowning in sin with no hope. 

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm

119:50

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Because you know just how far the east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other.

I’ve never found rest in this life apart from Jesus.  He is the answer to all the longings of my soul.  He is the only one who can forgive and forget my transgressions.    

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

I know you’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light

I need your peace to get me through, to get me through this night...

Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to get through a day, or get through a night.  But now my heart turns to the Lord for comfort in those times.  I get to experience a love and a faithfulness that is like nothing else in this life. 

I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals

I’m not holding onto you, but you’re holding onto me.

The Lord has never lost his grasp on me.  No matter how many emotional breakdowns, no matter how many lies I’ve been told, no matter how much I’ve rebelled, no matter how many opportunities I’ve missed, no matter the mess I’ve made trying to do things my own way…he’s never turned his back on me.  When I can’t seem to hold on to him, it doesn’t matter because he’s holding me tenderly, whispering truth to my broken heart.  His patient, constant love triumphs over my fickle emotions every time. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26