2011

***
My husband and I were just talking about 2011 and what a great year it has been.  We've had a lot of firsts.  Greg got a new job.  We bought our first home.  We got a new puppy.  And we found out we are going to have a baby.  Each one of these firsts is so great, but did not come to be without some hardships.  Greg applied for a TON of jobs, and we waited for a really long time before he finally got this position.  We thought we may have to move out of state.  We looked and looked at hundreds of homes before finding ours.  We thought we had found a house that was just for us, but they did not accept our offer.  It was disappointing and frustrating.  But literally a week later, we found our home that we love so much.  


Our puppy we bought on a whim, not knowing anything about his breed.  He's so cute, but he's so, so bad.  He chews on EVERYTHING.  He bites everyone.  He digs up everything in our yard.  He escapes out the front door.  He harasses our poor cat.  He peed on my parent's bed.  He poops in his crate.  He eats his poop.  He's not affectionate.  He does NOT listen.  We've taught him sit, down, come, and stay.  He really only sits consistently.  Every other command he could care less about.  Especially when we want him to come.  He runs away instead.  After watching Dogs 101 on Animal Planet about Shiba Inu's we found out they are not a good choice for first time dog owners, and they are extremely hard to train.  Nice.  


And now our sweet baby… we tried for a long time.  More than a year.  It was exhausting, disappointing, emotional, and so much more.  Seeing negative on a pregnancy test over and over and over again hurts your heart.  And I didn't really share with many people that we were trying, because the added expectation of others would just have made it that much worse.  So I endured by myself.  I had Greg right by my side, and most importantly, the Lord.  


And I learned so much.  I learned how to have patience for God's perfect timing.  I learned to trust that the Lord had a plan for us for children, to trust that it would be beautiful no matter the outcome.  I learned you can experience peace in a time of feeling totally blind in the dark and in the midst of confusion.  And you know what, had I not had to go through over a year in this season of waiting, I wouldn't have been able to experience perfect peace, total reliance on God, and the beauty that is in the sunrise after a dark, dark night.  My joy is so RICH after this season.  The Lord always, always has something for us in hard times, in times of doubt, in times of confusion, in times of loneliness, in times of despair.  My pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle.  He is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts. 


I got the new Rachael Lampa cd for Christmas, and I swear each song is a sound track to my life.  One song in particular just makes me smile because it so wonderfully illustrates that beauty is only just a word without the pain, and it reminds me of times throughout this past year.  You cannot truly appreciate beauty without the hardship.  The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust.  So, that is how I measure my year.  2011, thank you for giving me lessons in trusting the Lord and for the beauty that is so rich in a life knowing Jesus.   

Beauty's Just a Word - Rachael Lampa

Tick tock and the clock won't stop
You need more time but the curtain drops
Hanging by a thread, end of your rope you find hope
You fall just short of the finish line
Just like you've done time after time
And all that's left to lift you is your faith
You find grace
Raise your eyes so you can see
You're right where you're supposed to be 


It's dark so you can see the light
And it's hard so you can know its right
And rain, nothing ever grows without you 


Didn't think that the sun would rise
I kept confusing all the truth with lies
Something told me I could not let go, now I know
And holding on is gonna see you through
So don't let go no matter what you do
And love through the anger, love through the pain
Love through the storm, and love through the rain 


It's dark so you can see the light
And it's hard so you can know its right
And pain, nothing ever grows without you
And hurt is just a chance to heal
And tears are just a call to feel
And pain, beauty's just a word without you
Beauty's just a word without you. 


And the sun is breaking through the clouds
Can you feel it shining on you now
You were lost and now you are found
And don't forget no don't forget

Warm With Hope

Tuesday was such a dreary, cold day.  After I left work, I drove to Westport to grab some dinner before I went to my sister’s salon.  I sat at the corner table by the window at Panera and just people-watched as one by one, couple by couple, family by family trickled in to order dinner also.  I was quite content to gaze out of the slightly fogged window to the wet road and see the rain sparkling in the street lights.  I kept thinking about how glad I was to be inside, wrapped up warm in my cardigan and scarf, eating my hot soup.  And that warm, cozy, satisfied right down to your toes feeling reminded me of the joy that I feel in the Lord.  That even when life is cold and dreary, knowing Jesus makes even the darkest of days warm with hope.   

Sometimes I sit at work and wonder what I should write about on this blog.  Since I work in front of a computer all day long and usually have some down time, I like to start writing my entries, and a lot of times they just seem to flow out of whatever I’m experiencing at that time, and what the Lord has put on my heart.  I can usually write one blog post in 45 minutes, give or take.  This time, I just can’t seem to think of anything profound to write about.  But even when I’m at a loss for words, I can still feel Him close, and it’s His words and His hope that are enough.  And, that is all I need…

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  Isaiah 43:1b

The Small Stuff

In a recent conversation with a sweet, sweet friend, she’s reminded me that God is at work - even in the small stuff. It amazes me that He would remind me who He is while arranging the small details of my life.  Since Greg has gotten a job, we’ve spent many, many hours looking for a house to buy.  I had no idea how picky I would be when it came to buying a house, but dang.  There were probably only about a total of 3 out of hundreds, literally HUNDREDS, of homes we found online that I would actually agree to go and walk through with our realtor.  It was a frustrating process, especially since the pictures online did not always prove to be the best representation of the house, AND Greg and I don’t share the same taste I’ve discovered. J 

There was finally a house that we both absolutely loved, and so we took my parents to walk through it a second time with us before we made an offer.  Come to find out, there was another couple interested in the house, and so both of our offers were presented to the seller at the same time.  Now, I was so certain that this was the home for us.  Both times we looked at it, I felt so comfortable there - like I was already at home.  It met, and exceeded, all of the different criteria we were looking for in our first home, and it was the only house we had found that the BOTH of us loved.  I just knew we were supposed to live there.  

This process has been so exciting; we didn’t expect to be buying a house so soon, but since we were fortunate enough to begin the process, we jumped right in.  It was so fun to picture our lives in each home we looked at; dream about a family and where we will be years down the road.  And this house was the perfect location, with an elementary school right down the street, young neighborhood, and still close to the areas we love best in town. 

Well, all of this to say, our offer didn’t win and the other couple got the house.  I was so incredibly disappointed.  I wanted to give up the search (because trust me it was stressful looking online at house after house after house after house after house after house…you get the point).  I resolved that it just wasn’t time for us to buy a house, that it was some big sign, because I was so disappointed.   The next week, we find a house online that Greg absolutely loved, and from the pictures, I just didn't like it.  I wish I could be as pumped as he is about it, but just can't be.  I moan and complain but he schedules an appointment to see it anyways, and I just kind of grudgingly go along with it.  He tells me to have an open mind about it, I say I do...but really, I don’t. 

Then when we finally did go to see it… I was blown away.  This house was just awesome, and so perfect for us.  It is even in the same neighborhood as the house we had originally wanted, but in a much better location - things are updated, the façade of the house is way better, there is an amazing deck and backyard…you get the point.  Thinking about living in that first house was even funny at that point, because we love this house so much more.  And I literally felt my heart being tugged by the Lord.  Because isn’t that such a picture of how He works?  You have it planned out, the way you think it should go, the way that seems and feels so perfect for you.  When all of the sudden those plans are shattered, or things don’t go as expected, the disappointment can be so disheartening. 

But my God, He loves to blow me away.  He loves to prove that His way is best and beautiful regardless of ME.  And I’m so grateful that He does that.  That He not only moves in big ways, but that He cares even about the small stuff.  Even when I think I am the happiest, He always shows me a greater, deeper, lasting joy that fills my heart until I feel I’m overflowing.  I love knowing that even when I’m disappointed and discouraged that He is still at work, making beautiful things happen.  He loves to show us how good He is.  He loves to make us smile.  Speaking of, check out the link to this song that has been making me smile a lot lately.  And props to Brian Walton for rocking it! 
http://www.youtube.com/user/UCCManhattan#p/u/3/A7KSHfPh0WU

Motivation and Foundation

Each morning I wake up, and I have a choice.  Do I listen to the quiet, strong and commanding voice of the Lord?  Or do I listen to the all too enticing, but deceitful voice of this world?  My pastor’s messages from Luke these past few Sundays have definitely convicted my heart. 

Luke 6:46-49: “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?  As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like.  They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock.  When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.  But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation.  The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

Whatever motivates me to make a choice is evidence to that which my heart serves.  So what do I want to have lordship over my life?  There are a lot of different things that motivate people.  Fitting in, feeling esteemed, feeling accepted, pride, jealousy, money, lust, control, independence, intellect, and so on.  If I am honest, I can admit that a lot of the things that motivate my choices are probably pride, control, or the desire to feel accepted or feel loved.  But, why would I want to be a slave to my pride?  Why would I want to be obsessed with having control?  Why would I want to win someone’s acceptance or love? 

I wouldn’t want to serve anyone but Jesus, because it would be all in vain.  Pride tricks me into thinking that I am better, that I am somehow my own god.  In reality, I don’t have control because there is only One who has numbered my days and only One who writes His own story.  Feeling accepted or loved is a fleeting emotional roller coaster of highs and lows.  Daily I seem to be reminded of hurts in this life;  relationships that are disappointing, friendships that continue to fail me, desires that go unfulfilled.  The minute I start to think for a second that I can find ultimate satisfaction or genuine love from the world is the moment my heart starts serving sin.      

If I keep basing my decisions on pride, control, acceptance, what will happen?  The storm will come and I will collapse and be destroyed.  I don’t want to be this person that Jesus describes who claims with my mouth that He is my Lord but then continues to make my choices based on the sin and evil stored up in my heart. 

BUT if I lay my motivations at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to be the center of my daily choices and decisions, that is just the beginning of a strong foundation, one that will not be moved by the storms sure to come in this life.  With such a foundation, my circumstances could not possibly ever change who I am in the Lord.  I need to seriously evaluate where my heart is and if it reflects the Lordship of Christ. 

What an amazing God that we have - He gives us a new start each morning.  This walk with Him is a daily surrender, but I want my house to be a strong, unshakable one.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite and crumble when the storms rage.  If my God is for me, what could stand against?  I will put His teachings and commands to practice; I will call Jesus my Lord, and He WILL be the only One who sustains me. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.”

New Places

I have been counting my blessings like crazy lately.  There is a song by Nichole Nordeman whose lyrics illustrate the picture of my heart in this moment.  “You are sunrise, you are blue skies, how would I know the morning if I knew not midnight?”  My midnight has been the emotional and spiritual state of my soul in the past few years.  It’s been a tough, long season for me.  I’ve gone through some pretty big changes, graduating college, new job, getting married, finding the Lord in a totally new way.  The thing is, I wouldn’t change it.  I wouldn’t go back and wish for indifference.  I wouldn’t want to be impassive or unblinking.  Every hard, lonely moment that I have endured brought me to the place where I needed to be to find the Lord, my Sunrise.  

Now here I am, at this beautiful place.  Beautiful, but also kind of scary for me.  Jesus has redeemed my life, so what now?  I’ve had this extraordinary experience of walking intimately with my Creator, where He has been patient with me, where He has encouraged me, where He has loved the hardest parts of my soul… I’ve discovered who He really is.  Even though I had to hit rock bottom emotionally, it was also so, SO good, because I finally found life.  I learned how to breathe again.  I’ve gotten to experience genuine joy and peace.  I don’t ever want to forget how it felt, and still feels, to just simply savor this sweet, sweet gift of faithful grace day in and day out.  But I know I can’t stay here forever.  

The Lord has been quietly urging my heart to new places.  And because I’m me, I’ve probably resisted for a little bit too long now.   The funny thing about loving the Lord is that He always knows the right people to bring into my life, He always knows the right messages to convict my heart, and He always knows how to wear down my soul just right so that I am raw before Him.  Where my only option is follow where He is leading me, because His way is so much better. 

I think He has been giving me glimpses of this journey with Him, that it will be ever changing, always transforming, but somehow He remains the same.  

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 

“For I am the Lord, I do not change; therefore you are not consumed.” Malachi 3:6 

East to West

The Lord uses music to speak to me in such a special way.  I find myself meditating on certain lyrics that make such a profound statement to my heart.  Whatever I’m going through, things I’m feeling or situations that I am in, God sends me a song to remind me that he sees me and loves me, that he will never let me go.  I can’t get this song by Casting Crowns out of my head or off of repeat from my mp3 player. 

Here I am Lord, and I’m drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness

The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest...

These first two lines describe my situation almost daily.  I am human, and I forget.  I forget the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness.  I start to doubt that he will actually be enough for me.  That he can fulfill me completely.

I don’t want to end up where You found me, and it echoes in my mind

Keeps me awake tonight...          

So many times I find myself thinking of my past and feel the weight and burden of what used to be.  I forget that I’m already free.  I feel anxious and discouraged.  It makes me wonder if I really am close to being right back in that black pit where he found me. 

I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west

And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned...

 How amazing that we can stand before the Lord and because of Jesus, we are clean. 

He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.  Micah 7:19 

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin

Time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in

Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...

I can feel the war.  The spiritual war over my soul.  Even though Jesus is my Redeemer, Satan loves to whisper lies to me still.  It’s a daily battle to surrender my heart over to the Lord.  I battle constant reminders of my life without Jesus, and often times feel as though I mess up one more time and that’s it.  I’ve done too much to forgive already, one more thing would surely disqualify me from his unconditional love, that I have to be perfect now that I know the Lord. 

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west?

Because I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been rising up in me again...

This is the cry of my heart when all I can hear are the lies of this world.  When they sound so enticing.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel the guilt is too much to bare and that there isn’t possibly a God who could make good of my life.  This is the cry of my heart when I feel numb to sin, when I feel complacent and bored.  I don’t want to look in the mirror, or into my heart, and see that same girl drowning in sin with no hope. 

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm

119:50

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Because you know just how far the east is from the west

From one scarred hand to the other.

I’ve never found rest in this life apart from Jesus.  He is the answer to all the longings of my soul.  He is the only one who can forgive and forget my transgressions.    

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

I know you’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light

I need your peace to get me through, to get me through this night...

Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to get through a day, or get through a night.  But now my heart turns to the Lord for comfort in those times.  I get to experience a love and a faithfulness that is like nothing else in this life. 

I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth your word reveals

I’m not holding onto you, but you’re holding onto me.

The Lord has never lost his grasp on me.  No matter how many emotional breakdowns, no matter how many lies I’ve been told, no matter how much I’ve rebelled, no matter how many opportunities I’ve missed, no matter the mess I’ve made trying to do things my own way…he’s never turned his back on me.  When I can’t seem to hold on to him, it doesn’t matter because he’s holding me tenderly, whispering truth to my broken heart.  His patient, constant love triumphs over my fickle emotions every time. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26

My Hero

What is this obsession with vampires and superheroes? 

I must make a confession; I have fallen for the romantic story of Edward and Bella.  And yes, I’ve wished I had a transformer to call my own.  I mean, Bumblebee is so cute.  (Also, I think I may be the only one who finds these transformers to be cute…)  And who wouldn’t want an old-fashioned charmer like Edward, with his mythical appeal and perfect protective instincts?  I laugh when I find myself getting wrapped up in this supernatural world that our culture seems to be thriving off of lately.  I can’t help but think it is because our human nature is so curious of the unknown, the paranormal and mystical, something beyond ourselves.  We also have this desire to see genuine good triumph over evil, to be loved and protected in a way that is otherworldly.  At least that is how I know I am made.  There is just something so intriguing about the mysterious. 

There is this song ‘Extraterrestrial’ out right now by Katy Perry.  It has a nice beat and I like it for that because it’s a nice song to work-out to.  But when I really listen to the words, these lyrics fascinate me: You’re from a whole other world, a different dimension, you open my eyes, and I’m ready to go lead me in to the light… you’re so supersonic, wanna feel your powers stun me with your laser, your kiss is cosmic, every move is magic…you’re an alien, your touch so foreign, it’s supernatural, extra-terrestrial.  While this song is interesting to say the least, it shows me just one more thing that we as humans long for.  A relationship that is extraordinary, unusual, like nothing of this world.  But when we try to find it in another human, we’re just setting ourselves up for disillusionment. 

I write from experience, and I can only share what I’ve learned.  I have had myself convinced that I could find such a love.  I know I am not the only one who has.  And when, for a moment, I think I’ve found it, I get blinded by the intensity of my feelings, and I find myself worshipping and idolizing my relationship, or that person.  Whoa.  It took me so long to realize that I was putting relationships above the Lord in my life.  Where am I when I am idolizing something that will eventually fail in me some way?  Back to zero.  Back to disappointment.  Back to discontentment.  Back to unhappiness.  Back to emptiness.  There is only one relationship worthy of consuming me, worthy of my worship - my relationship with the Lord.

I want my hero.  I need someone to save me from myself.  I want someone to protect me when I am weak.  I want to feel desired and pursued.  I want someone to know everything about me, every selfish motive, every ugly place in my heart, and love me no matter what.  I want somebody to be there for me always.  I want someone to turn my sorrow into joy.  And what is great is that I don’t have to long for a world of transformers or vampires, I don’t have to create a fake world to fantasize about, I don’t have to try to make people into something they are not.  Because I have a Hero.  THE Hero.  My Saving Grace and Redeemer.  Someone who is better than anything I could imagine in this life.  He comes in and saves the day.  He triumphs over evil every time.  He is the ultimate protector.  He is the great romance that my heart dreams of.  This world fades away when I think about my Father and the love that He lavishes on me each day.  There is not a minute that He forgets about me.  There is not a moment where He will not fight for me.  He can count all the hairs on my head and He died for me, so that we can be together forever.  Each one of us was designed to be captivated by the mystery of His love.

Every word of God is flawless...Proverbs 30:5

O Sovereign LORD, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Deuteronomy 3:24

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Numbers 23:19

But be assured today that the LORD your God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire… Deuteronomy 9:3

For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. Deuteronomy 10:17

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, 'Destroy him!' Deuteronomy 33:27

For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. 2 Samuel 22:32-34

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalms 54:4

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. Psalms 84:11-12

Infinitely Important

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.  C.S. Lewis

I cannot get this quote out of my mind.  It just looms in the back of my brain, and I find myself listening to its quiet truth at random times throughout the day.  I know so many people who think that Christianity is moderately important.  That it is nice to have the Christian values, that Jesus was a good moral teacher, that the mention of His name or teachings enhances their life in this way or that.  They just kind of treat the idea of Jesus as a passing thought. 

I think the truth of this quote has had a haunting effect on me, probably because I used to be this person thriving on the moderation of Jesus in my life.  I thought that if I went to church most Sundays or tried to be a good person, and claimed to be a Christian, that my life could benefit from that…right?  Here is the thing.  When I tried to be a “good” person, I found myself making selfish decisions still.  When I went to church I found myself sitting numbly and tuning out the message.  Now, what is beneficial about that?  What is life-giving about that?  Jesus cannot be a small addition to this life I think that I own.  It’s just not who He is.  I don’t own my life, and the One who does wants all of me.  He doesn’t half love me.  He loves me insurmountably.  And you cannot ignore that love.     

I think about our calendar, and how we are living in A.D.  Our whole calendar for this life is centered on the person of Jesus.  I think about all the witnesses to His death and resurrection.  I think of His apostles who were martyred for their unwavering belief that Jesus is Lord.  Jesus claimed to be the Son of God.  He physically healed people, cast out demons, and forgave people of their sins, healing their hearts.  He has authority over the physical world and over the spiritual world.  All of this is documented by multiple people, and the very people who were closest to Jesus died for their unwavering belief in His truth.   

What He said about Himself was either true or false.  Either he was a crazy liar, or he was telling the truth.  There is no sugar coated in-between.  There is no happy medium.  There is nothing semi-important about what He said.  You can’t simply think that Jesus was a good moral teacher and leave it at that.  He tells people to leave EVERYTHING and follow Him.  Everything.  Jobs, friends, family, comfortable and familiar living.  He doesn’t tell people 'oh hey, listen to what I teach but only apply it sometimes,' or 'you can get by without me if you think your way is better.' 

My church has been walking through the book of Luke doing a series called ‘Who was this Man?’  I know that the Lord has led me to this church to hear this teaching of His word.  Each and every time I am left asking myself hard questions.  Asking myself if my life reflects my belief in Jesus as my Savior, as my everything, as the ONLY thing that is important.  I don’t want to sit on the side lines so to speak, I want to run the race towards Jesus.  I have to ask myself if I truly believe in what He says, what He teaches, and what He did for me.  If I believe that is true, it requires a response in my life and in my heart.  I could reject it… or, I can let it fill the aches of this life, let it complete my soul where something so big was missing, let His sacrifice define me.  When you let Jesus into your heart, into the deepest, darkest parts of your soul, when you trust Him to be the very thing that sustains you, there is nothing like it.  He wants all of me.  He is jealous for me.  Not just part of my life.  He doesn’t want to be an addition to the life I already have planned out.  He wants me to surrender all of my plans and all of my burdens to Him.   I don’t know what each day will bring me.  But if I know that my God loves me, that no matter what He will uphold me and protect me, my heart is at peace.  

I’ve realized that I wasn’t living, until I came to know the grace of my Father, His unshakable, unfailing love.  I just can’t get over it.  His love will NEVER fail me.  Never.  It goes against everything that I’ve learned in this world.  I have put a lot of my hope in relationships - boyfriends, friendships, family, my husband.  But all of these people are human.  And therefore, it is impossible for them to give me what I need if I put all of my trust or hope in them.  I have learned time and time again, painfully and bitterly at times, that none of them can ease this ache in my heart.  The whole time, the Lord was quietly whispering, I am all you need.  Give me your heart and I will show you a love that you have never known.  I was never truly living when I tried to hide from the Lord, cover up my sin, think that I could find the satisfaction I was searching for on my own terms.  Only until the truth of Jesus wore down my soul, only when I cried out for God to step in and save me, did I finally surrender and begin this beautiful romance.  I don’t ever want to turn back. 

I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

Don’t miss this: Jesus is infinitely important.  You do not want to overlook His joy and faithfulness in this life.  And He is our only hope in the life to come.

Seventy Times Seven

I will be the first to admit that I hold grudges.  Maybe I take things too personally.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  Maybe I am just shocked at the fact that somebody I can be so close to could hurt me so deeply.  I have harbored a lot of bitterness and resentment in my heart for years.  Up until recently, I had always convinced myself that it was okay to feel these things.  I rationalized that because something unfair happened to me I was somehow justified in my attitude.  But the longer I held onto this resentment, the more it seemed to weigh me down and consume me.  Bitterness and spitefulness are not things that I have enjoyed carrying all these years, but they had always seemed like the appropriate response.  Well, when you are searching for joy and freedom, it’s hard if not impossible to experience this to the fullest holding on to these dark grudges.  So, I prayed that the Lord would give me peace and rest in these areas of my heart.  Nothing really happened for awhile, I still felt anxious and unsettled.  So then, I started praying that God would show me if I was maybe wrong all this time.  If there was something that I needed to do to change.  Oh boy...

I was not ready for the Lord to expose my ugly heart, but that is what needed to be done, and He knew even before I did.  But, how wonderful that my God is always showing me His faithfulness and grace.  He revealed that I am prideful, selfish, and unforgiving.  Nobody wants to think of themselves like that.  It hurt.  I have shed many tears over the state of my dreadful soul. 

I realized that I think I am better than people.  I think to myself, how DARE somebody hurt me like that.  I would never do something like that.  Well guess what, the Lord reminded me of so many, SO MANY times when I have hurt others in profound, shameful ways.  He showed me that I am no better than anyone.  That we are all completely and utterly lost without the love of a Savior.  We hurt people daily and make horrible decisions apart from seeking the Lord. 

He showed me that all I ever think of is myself.  That my heart is sick.  It has been made blatantly clear that the first step towards healing this heart is forgiveness.  I have just flat out said, God I don’t want to.  I have been hurt in ways that no one will ever know but You, and You really want me to forgive that?  It’s just not fair.  But He has ever so patiently and gently worn down my soul to show me this:  He has forgiven me, so that I can be reconciled to Him for eternity.  What did I do to deserve this?  Nothing.  And He forgave me and loved me even while I was still drowning in my self-serving sin.  And that is exactly the kind of love I am commanded to show those who have hurt me.  Maybe they don’t deserve it, and maybe they’ll never know I have forgiven them or even that they ever wounded me at all to begin with.  But, that is not the point.  The point is that forgiveness is the only way to break this heart of stone and be free from the anger forever.  How easy it is to forgive and love those who love us.  How remarkable it is to forgive those that have cut down our souls so severely, our enemies.  Only a sweet miracle like this, something so remarkable, could come from Jesus. 

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you?...But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  But merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:27-36

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  As many as seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22

We are a mess here on earth.  We are all sinful, lost, broken people.  There is only One who can forgive the selfish sin, only One who can find those gone astray in darkness, there is only one Healer.  If He wants me to forgive, then I will.  I will be the first to admit that I am not there yet.  The road to forgiveness and healing can be a long, difficult one, but my heart is willing and it is breaking.  And I know that comes first. 

My God knows me better than I know myself, and if this is the way He will bring my heart the healing that it so desperately needs, then I trust Him.  He is my unfailing Love.  How beautiful that He would work a miracle in my life.  That despite my human nature, despite what seems a natural reaction to injustice, I can begin to forgive.  Even when I just plain don’t really want to.  Something so marvelous can only come from the authority and power of Jesus Christ. 

The Narrow Gate

I love writing - it's like therapy for me. I keep a journal of prayers, and it is so amazing to read back on all of the things I poured into those pages, to see how God answered me in my most desperate times, and to see evidence of how He is changing my heart. He is a God of transformation, and it is beautiful. I have to always remember that, because I am such a creature of habit and routine and complacency. I get stuck in this boring rut, resisting change like you wouldn't believe. But we only get to live this life ONCE. And I want to truly LIVE. I have asked the Lord to show me what that means. Because I believe He is the giver of LIFE and all things good. He has laid this verse on my heart:

"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." Matthew 7:13-14

I have lived a life apart from God. I am too familiar with the wide gate and the life that is full of temporary satisfactions, disappointment after disappointment, full of heartbreak and utter loneliness. I have been so deep in my selfish sin, and in my darkest moment felt the weight of the guilt like I never had before. It suffocated my soul and paralyzed my life. I had made every human effort possible to try and find satisfaction in this world. It is exhausting. And this is the broad road which leads to destruction. I have seen the evidence of this in my life. It leads to emotional and spiritual death. Each and every time I came back empty and incredibly hurt, and I just couldn’t bear it any more. My hearting was aching for something more. I finally realized - I am not meant to be satisfied by this world. Not anything, or anyone, can satisfy this deep desire that I have for intimacy, joy, pursuit, freedom, genuine LOVE. In my most desperate, ugly, lonely moment, I cried out to God, and He answered me. He answered me. How sweet it is that He would see me in my deep-rooted sin, how sweet that He would love me despite my rebellion against Him. How incredible that He would show me that He sees me and loves me.

I was certain that I had screwed up this life beyond repair, so certain that I would never find true joy. What do people do when they reach that moment, like I did, and don’t know the name of Jesus? He is the only hope in this life. Of this I am certain, and I want my life to be defined by this hope, this freedom from guilt and the chains of my selfish choices. Jesus is my Sweet Redeemer. He has restored my life from the mess that it was. Heck, I am still a mess, but I know that my God will NOT forsake me when I am weak, and He will prove Himself faithful to me when all else fails me.

When you desperately need the Lord, He will show up. My life is proof. And He speaks to me in ways that I know are meant just for me and Him. He gave me this song when I needed to hear it most:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0luHiWwi08

I have fallen head over heels in love with my God who pursues me and calls me by name. He is standing at the gate of that narrow way that leads to life, and so just like Levi did, I want to leave everything and follow Him.