I love writing - it's like therapy for me. I keep a journal of prayers, and it is so amazing to read back on all of the things I poured into those pages, to see how God answered me in my most desperate times, and to see evidence of how He is changing my heart. He is a God of transformation, and it is beautiful. I have to always remember that, because I am such a creature of habit and routine and complacency. I get stuck in this boring rut, resisting change like you wouldn't believe. But we only get to live this life ONCE. And I want to truly LIVE. I have asked the Lord to show me what that means. Because I believe He is the giver of LIFE and all things good. He has laid this verse on my heart:
"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." Matthew 7:13-14
I have lived a life apart from God. I am too familiar with the wide gate and the life that is full of temporary satisfactions, disappointment after disappointment, full of heartbreak and utter loneliness. I have been so deep in my selfish sin, and in my darkest moment felt the weight of the guilt like I never had before. It suffocated my soul and paralyzed my life. I had made every human effort possible to try and find satisfaction in this world. It is exhausting. And this is the broad road which leads to destruction. I have seen the evidence of this in my life. It leads to emotional and spiritual death. Each and every time I came back empty and incredibly hurt, and I just couldn’t bear it any more. My hearting was aching for something more. I finally realized - I am not meant to be satisfied by this world. Not anything, or anyone, can satisfy this deep desire that I have for intimacy, joy, pursuit, freedom, genuine LOVE. In my most desperate, ugly, lonely moment, I cried out to God, and He answered me. He answered me. How sweet it is that He would see me in my deep-rooted sin, how sweet that He would love me despite my rebellion against Him. How incredible that He would show me that He sees me and loves me.
I was certain that I had screwed up this life beyond repair, so certain that I would never find true joy. What do people do when they reach that moment, like I did, and don’t know the name of Jesus? He is the only hope in this life. Of this I am certain, and I want my life to be defined by this hope, this freedom from guilt and the chains of my selfish choices. Jesus is my Sweet Redeemer. He has restored my life from the mess that it was. Heck, I am still a mess, but I know that my God will NOT forsake me when I am weak, and He will prove Himself faithful to me when all else fails me.
When you desperately need the Lord, He will show up. My life is proof. And He speaks to me in ways that I know are meant just for me and Him. He gave me this song when I needed to hear it most:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0luHiWwi08
I have fallen head over heels in love with my God who pursues me and calls me by name. He is standing at the gate of that narrow way that leads to life, and so just like Levi did, I want to leave everything and follow Him.
